How Do You Want to Feel?

Maybe it's age. Maybe it's disconnecting from the world's values. Maybe it's something else. All I know is that I've stopped asking how I want to look each day. I've started asking how I want to feel.

I strived to keep up with the fashion trends as a teen. For a while, I would wear clothes that didn't feel right, because of what they looked like, the people who gave them to me, or the fact that I hate outgrowing things. None of it made me feel great, though. Somehow, these started a slow genesis of change.

I bought some new shirts a little while ago. They were technically the right size and fit, but when I wore them, I found myself pulling at them all day because they just weren't long enough. I needed some new shirts and had spent money on these, but nope, next! (Thankfully, the shirts fit my momma perfectly, so I passed them on to her.) I often get gifted items that are super cute, but don't comfortably fit. I have learned to exchange the clothes for sizes that feel comfortable. Otherwise, I know I will find the cute items shoved to the back of my closet.

When I get dressed in the morning, I think more about how I want to feel: warm, cool, cozy, sheik, pretty, etc. I dress accordingly. That might mean I have so many layers that I look like an oompah-loompah. It also might mean I wear makeup with my yoga clothes. I don't really care as much anymore. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, am not I a beholder? And I can do more in the world when I'm not feeling uncomfortable in my own clothes.

There is a time a place for respecting the opinions of others. (Like, I wouldn't wear flamboyant tie-dye to a funeral.) I am not suggesting that we throw out all cultural norms. I am just thinking that it might be helpful to consider how we feel more than how we look. Looks come and go. Feelings linger. I'd rather find what feels good for a lifetime than look good for the few eyes that linger.

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How about you? Have you considered dressing for how you want to feel? Or are you more looks focused? Please feel free to share in the comments section.

Living with Intention

I tried to tune into my intuition for quite some time. Then it stopped working for me so well. I needed something else, but not a program or a policy. Rather, I needed a habit, or a series of habits: something to help me stay grounded and focus on what matters, but nothing too restrictive. What I stumbled into was living with intention.

My life is very harried and busy right now. It's hard to even get to the basics sometimes. In a perfect world, I could tune in to what I wanted for dinner each night, run to the grocery store, pick up ingredients, and come home and leisurely cook. But I'm married. I work ten hours days. I commute. That just isn't going to happen. So I meal prep. That ensures that we have food, like it intuitively or not.

Deciding what I want to do for exercise each day is a lovely idea, but races require training. That's why I use training plans. Sure, I can take rest days, or go slower or faster on days I feel like it, but the plans keep me on track overall.

I'd love to say I want to read my Bible and pray every day, but the truth is, I'm a sinner and I don't always want to. I do daily devotions as a habit because I know it's good for me.

Some people in the intuitive living sphere criticize calorie and macro counting because it's based on the system, not the self. I get it. With running, though, it can help to track these things, at least loosely. Endurance requires intentional effort towards nutrition.

I have a FitBit watch. It does buzz when I haven't gotten in my 250 steps for the hour. Do I always obey it? No. It does help me stay more active, and therefore have less bodily pain.

I could ask all day long what I need and want, but right now, I don't have the brain space for that. So I have intentions: intentions for meals, intentions for exercise, intuitions for habits. I even have lists of intentions for how I plan to show love to my husband. Intentions are my plans for making the best of this life I have. Maybe this is not best way, but for now, it's the best way I have.

Why I'm Less Into Intuitive Living These Days

I was really into intuitive living for a while: intuitive eating, intuitive exercise, etc. It was a good phase. It was a phase of questioning the world's messages and getting to know myself better. It helped me clarify my values. I'm less into it now, though. It's just not working for me.

Life is too busy right now to truly tap into intuition. I just need to have a plan and go. While it might be good to pause and check in with myself, asking what I really want here and now can lead to decision fatigue. Habits and routines are serving me better.

I am also thinking more about sin, and how my nature is inherently fallen. Do I really want to listen to my intuition, if my intuition is fallen? Opposing those who believe humans always know what is best for themselves, John Koessler (2003) writes, "We don’t always know what is good for us. Following our natural desires may move us further away from spiritual maturity rather than closer to it” (p. 123). If my life is about living for Jesus, living for myself, I want to be about maturity, and that might mean less intuition.

I do still try to listen to my body when it tells me it is sick, hungry, or tired. As Jess Connolly (2022) says, "This is a good body," in that God made it. God designed our bodies to work well. He designed people to understand their bodies and care for them. There are still some vestiges of that good left. Sometimes I get to honor what my body tells me. Sometimes I have to push through. It's called life.

I tend to do things in extremes. I was disciplined to my detriment, and then I was probably more navel-gazing than needed. I hope I am a little more realistic these days, about what I can and can't do, and about who I am as a sinner being sanctified by my Savior. I am less into intuitive living as a lifestyle, but maybe, just maybe, I'm getting closer to just living the life I have. For me, that would be a win.

References:

Connolly, J. [@breakingfreefrombodyshame]. (2022, July 29). Know what is the one thing that can still send me into a shame spiral? [Instagram photograph]. Retrieved from https://www.instagram.com/p/CgmnrleL9Qj/?hl=en.

Koessler, J. (2003). True discipleship: The art of following Jesus. Moody Publishers.

Move: 30 Day Yoga with Adriene Challenge Review

Yep! Finished another 30 day January yoga challenge from Yoga with Adriene. Quite frankly, I had forgotten about the yearly challenge and did not plan to do it. I subscribe to the weekly Yoga with Adriene e-mails, though, and learned about Move that way. I am currently training for a 10K and did not think I would have time to do both that and this, but then I started. Once I started, I wanted to finish. So I made it work. How? Read on for more.

Scheduling

The first work day, I woke up early and squeezed in the challenge before work. Most of the rest of the weekdays, I did it after dinner and before bed. Yes, I know yoga after eating, particularly inversions, is best at least two hours after eating, but this small chunk of time was what I had. On weekends, I preferred to do the yoga mid-afternoon, as it was a good way to invite both energy and calm into the later part of the day. Enough about timing, other than to say that my husband supported my yoga journey which was important, because completing it took a chunk out of my day.

Pacing

This challenge seemed a little more intermediate than I remember some of the years. There was quite a lot of chatarangas, moderate core work, and the opportunity for advanced poses like crow. Let's just say there was some actual exercise involved, but that's okay. In past years, and other challenges, there have sometimes been entire sessions dedicated to meditation, and that really is not for me, at least not for me in a yoga challenge.

How It Worked

Yoga is meant to be a mindful practice. I will be very honest and say that I did most of my practices distracted. Sometimes I read on my phone. Sometimes I started and stopped. Only a few times did I really sink in and engage. I found the latter easier as the challenge went on, though. I wanted the time to be mindful, and that says a lot about movement through this program.

How it Ended

The last session of the Yoga with Adriene challenges is always a free practice. In the past, I have either 

1) Turned it off and chosen to do another guided practice

2) Obsessively followed Adriene and hurt my neck from staring at the computer screen

This time, I found myself actually practicing. It was effortless and I was in the flow, until I caught myself, and then I felt self conscious and struggled. I finished practicing, though, and I only watched Adriene for a little bit. Maybe after all these years, the Lord is helping me be myself and actually live intuitively, rather than comparing or externalizing. I am at least moving in that direction.

Take-Aways

Adriene always sends daily e-mails during her 30 day challenges. Some provide session notes. Some provide guidance about how to think. Some provide insights that wow. Some of these included for me:

Day 13: If you want to fly, you can’t be afraid to fall.

Day 15: "What do you want to move closer to?"

Day 19; “The process is the candy.”

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I thought at one point during this challenge: I don't love this. I want to give it up. Then I was glad I finished. I don't have time, or maybe rather, I don't want to make time, to do 30 minutes of yoga a day every day. I honestly experienced quite a wave of relief the day after the challenge when I realized I did not need to find (aka clear) 20-30 minutes of time. Yoga, for me, isn't all the time.

I always question if I will do another yoga challenge. I don't know. January 2023 is still almost a year away. I will see how I move through this year and go from there, because Lord willing, I will keep moving and learning and growing, as the challenge showed me I have over the past few years.

The Strong Woman

The United States of America has its first female vice president. Women continue to shatter "the glass ceiling" in the stock market, sports arena, and beyond. At the same time, a record number of women are leaving the workforce to stay home, at least in part due to the COVID-19 pandemic. If "the future is female," it seems we have two seemingly opposing forces at work: one working to promote female gender equality and the second pushing women "ten years back." But are these forces truly opposing? Does the furtherance of female equality really mean that all women need to break societal stereotypes and do great work in the marketplace? Or are there alternative narratives where women stay at home and have just as much inherent worth and value? I am here to suggest that there might be more than one way to be a strong woman.

I have seen many strong women in my life: my nana, my mother, female missionaries, etc. My nana had two bachelor's degrees, one in zoology, and one in Bible. My mother was a sharp-witted nurse who practiced impeccable care for tiny infants in the NICU. My nana blazed frontiers as a missionary. My mom provided healthcare for natives in outlying areas of a foreign country. I have known many females who lived most of their lives among indigenous people to provide medical care and bring the gospel to those who desperately needed it. I have been exposed to genius professors, women who worked while their husbands did the stay-at-home dad thing, female engineers, female marketeers, etc. Many of these women were married. Some were not. Some spent their entire lives in the marketplace. Some made the abrupt, and sometimes final decision to stay home. Some never went to work at all. The strength of these women existed not in their profession or position, but in how they lived.

I sense more and more in the cultural narrative these days an ultimatum for women to work AND care for their families. That this is what it means to be a strong women. Some women are "successful" at both endeavors. (I put "success" in quotes because the definition of success is really unique to the person.) Look at Sheryl Sandburg, for instance, who wrote a whole book about women and work. She writes about the tug-of-war between home and work, but shares about how she succeeded in both. Other women have written about the immensity of work left to women, and suggest talking to partners about how to balance the responsibility. I've read blogs from women who feel working makes them better mothers, and blogs from women who recognize that full-time working and mothering, or even wife-ing don't go together. Maybe culture needs to see that women are valuable and of equal worth whatever they decide to do with their time, whether at work, or in the home.

As a result of what I have seen, I would like to suggest that women have inherent worth, and that they have this worth whether or not they work outside the home. I believe that a strong woman is not one who breaks glass ceilings, but who searches her heart and is true to herself. For some, that means pursuing a career. For others, that means "sacrificing" a career to fulfill a calling to stay home and be the CEO of domestic duties and perhaps children. I don't believe that women have to have children to be valuable in stay-at-home or work pursuits, either. There is beauty in diversity, and I believe, a diversity in callings.

 In a nation that touts equality and demands tolerance, can we really say the future is female if we do not value all females in all their roles and all their places? I think not. All women are valuable. All women can be strong. The strength of women comes not from what they do or where they find themselves, but in who they are. Strength is a matter of heart, not position, and I hope society as a whole soon starts recognizing that.

Sugar Free January? Absolutely Not!

Many of you know that I prefer to be a person of balance. I don't like diets or absolutes or restrictions. I prefer to be intuitive. But this January, after seeing the challenge on Pinch of Yum, I decided to go off sugar, like absolutely. I don't normally eat a lot of sugar to begin with, andnd I usually prefer to sweeten with honey or maple syrup if I can. But I'd noticed myself getting a lot more attracted to sweets, to the point that I realized I was looking to food for comfort, instead of to Jesus my Savior.

So I cut sugar out. I stopped taking chewable vitamins that contained sugar. I checked every condiment I used at home and if it had sugar, I left it off or out (think Worchestershire, sriracha, mustard, etc.) I tried to skip food I knew could have sugar when eating food at work (bread, salad dressing, etc.) I didn't eat homemade bread I made that had a little sugar for sweetener, and I certainly the cookies I made for my husband. I thought I was doing pretty good.

And then I heard on a podcast that table salt contains sugar. I panicked. What? I'd worked so hard to avoid sugar, but I hadn't avoided salt. I'd used it both in recipes and at the table. I went home and checked the label and sure enough, there is dextrose (aka sugar) in iodized table salt. Why? I googled it, and it turns out dextrose is a preservative. So I'd been eating sugar all along, albeit in small amounts.

I was tempted after gaining that knowledge to give up my sugar fast, but I'm stubborn, and I didn't. I wanted to cave again when it got to be January 31st and I made cookies for my husband. Why not indulge? It was the last day of January anyway. But I stuck to my guns. I wanted to binge eat (a negative side effect of fasting) everything sugar (chocolate, cake, cookies, etc.)on the first of February, but by God's grace, I just enjoyed some of this lemon chocolate chip cake.

So what did I learn from Sugar Free January?

-Sugar is in a lot of things.
-Living in a world of absolutes is really difficult, if not impossible. (I can only imagine what it is like for people who absolutely have to avoid certain foods due to allergies.)
-Sometimes when I want sugar, I am just hungry.
-I am capable of finding snacks that taste good or meet a need and don't contain sugar.
-Reintroducing sugar (so far) has really had no ill effects. I just feel best when I eat sugar after I have other food in my stomach (which I already know, but had reinforced by this challenge/experiment/fast).

My biggest takeaway:

Sugar isn't really as evil as some people make it out to be.

Sugar isn't the be all, end all. It's A comfort, not THE comfort. It can be an extreme, but it doesn't have to be. It's a preservative and a flavor enhancer, so it actually has uses. I won't die or even feel that bad if I eat it (or don't).

All in all, Sugar Free January was a good reminder to me to let God be God, people be people, and allow balance to fluctuate in its meaning. 

Maybe I'm stirring up a hornet's nest with saying I don't believe sugar is evil. But I don't. I believe sugar is a good gift from God that's meant to be enjoyed in moderation (1 Tim 4:4; Jam 1:17). May I partake of it as such.

Mindfulness Aids: The FitBit

There's a lot of judgment in the wellness world. Judgment for following certain plans and not following others. Judgement for using certain methods of measurement. Judgment for not using methods of measurement. I'm all for intuitive living, but sometimes it just doesn't work. I need some accountability and some help. And that's why I bought a FitBit. Okay, that's not the only reason why I bought the device. I will confess that some of my reasons were vain, and because of wants, but that's not what this post is about. This post is about how sometimes we help getting back in tune with our bodies and what's good for us.

It is no secret that I have a high stress job. I like my job, but it can get pretty intense at times. It can also cause me to sit for hours on end. I try to stand up when I work on my Microsoft Surface computer, but even that does not happen sometimes. I have been thinking about buying a FitBit for awhile, and when they went on sale the weekend of Black Friday two years ago, I did it. And I really haven't looked back.

What do I like about the FitBit?

Well at lot of things. I like that it logs steps. I like the fancy, "rise to wake" time feature (though it also annoys me because sometimes it doesn't work, and sometimes it works at the most inopportune times, like it a pitch black room when I'm trying to sneak about unnoticed.) I like the heart rate tracking feature. I like the auto-track for exercise. I like the accountability it gives me to get up and move every hour.

What don't I like about the FitBit?

The manufacturing! I got a crack in the face of my Charge 2 before the first year I used the FitBit. The company warrantied it, and gave me a new dongle, which I appreciated. But this year, less than a year into using that dongle, I got another crack. And the company warranty doesn't fix it. FitBit, please find a better manufacturing process. I like your product, but....

The app favors cardio workouts. Step goals are one thing, but strength training and even cross training have value. And the device doesn't give as much credit to those.

What features do I use?
I track workouts that aren't running (to give myself some credit, since the steps don't really add up for certain types of exercise--see above). I monitor my sleep via the app. (it helps keep me accountable, or at least lets me know why I feel tired.) I use the app as a period calendar (because the doctors always ask, "When was your last cycle?" and I don't remember!). 

What features don't I use?
The stopwatch. The run tracker. (I prefer RunKeeper.) The guided breathing. The food tracker. (This is where intutive eating comes into play. I'm not really sure that calorie counter is right. And if I start from basal metabolism to "earn calories," it's depressing. But if I eat to keep up with the estimated calories, I can overeat. Honor hunger cues, people. It's a much better way to go.)

My take-aways:
Although I'm all for intuitive living and doing what feels right in your body; I argue that data can inform the way we live. The FitBit is one such source of information for me. It keeps me more mindful of my body and the fact that my body is created to move, frequently, as in every hour, not just for my 30 minutes of daily exercise. I look at the clock less at night since I know I can check my FitBit dashboard to see how I slept. I notice when I have a fever or I am stressed because my heart rate noticeably rises. I feel more in tune with my body overall, and let's be honest, being able to have at least one measurable goal (as in steps) a day that is reasonably achievable is nice.

In conclusion:
Is the FitBit for everyone? No. Technology is a first-world privilege. Step trackers are definitely not a necessity in life. And plenty of other companies make step trackers. Nor will the FitBit necessarily help with mindfulness. Checking steps can become obsessive and compulsive. If you struggle in that way, maybe it's not right for you. Can steps become an idol? Probably yes to that, too.

In summary, the FitBit is helpful for me right now. I use it. I'm thankful for it. Yes, paradoxically, a concrete external data provider is actually part of my mindfulness practice. Contradictions sometimes do exist.

Don't Judge My Jeans (Or Whatever Pants I'm Wearing)

I didn't wear jeans until around fifth grade. I didn't like the way they fit or felt. I started wearing jeans when I moved to Arizona and was made fun of incessantly for my stretchy pants. I had a love/hate relationship with jeans shopping. I had to wear cowboy Wranglers for awhile to get them long enough. Later, I paid too much for Calvin Klein jeans that fit, but quickly ripped. I found some St. John's Bay jeans that fit for awhile, but then JC Penney stopped selling them. My last pairs of jeans were hand-me-downs from my Arkansas best friend. I outgrew one pair and the other is only good for winter. I told myself to look for new jeans and I occasionally did, but I didn't buy any last year. And I didn't for most of this year.

So what did I buy? Yoga pants and legging. They're not for everybody or every job, but they work for me. I spend a lot of my work days playing with kids. My body is constantly changing and fluctuating in size and yoga pants will fit most of the time. Yoga pants are cheaper and easier to clean than jeans anyway. And I can buy multiple pairs for the price of one pair of jeans. It seems like a win to me. And it feels more authentic.

Clothes are so much of a status symbol. And I'm not saying I'm immune. But what I am advocating for is more acceptance. Please don't judge me or the person next to me based on our pants (or our pant sizes!). You never know why a person wears what the clothes they wear. Those clothes might be all they have. Those clothes might be medically or job necessitated. Those clothes might be a marker of that person trying to accept their body. Those clothes might be just for comfort in a stormy season of life. Whatever the case, don't judge.

Side note: I did finally buy one pair of jeans. They're the same brand as my best friend hand-me downs, but decidedly shortly. They work with boots, so for this season, they'll do....

I Needed Flowers.

I went to Trader Joe's and bought myself some flowers. I felt a little ridiculous doing it, not because there's anything wrong with buying flowers, but because I felt like I needed them. It had been a long week. I had a cold, and I felt like my life was going down the tubes even though it wasn't. The only thing I could think that would help at the moment was flowers. So I went and bought them.

I work in mental health. I think I should have it together, but I don't. And even though I tell everyone else to take care of themselves, I don't do a very good job of it for myself. But I did it that day, and it helped, that day and for the next several days.

So here's to self-care, friends, to slowing down, and to listening to intuition. Because sometimes you really do need the flowers.

Seven "Healthy" Habits I No Longer Practice

Those of you who have been around me for awhile know that health and wellness are kind of important to me. There's the fact that my body is God's temple (1 Cor 6:19-20), but there's also the truth that I'm a perfectionist and want to do everything exactly right. I've been pretty rigid about following health and wellness recommendations in the past, but over the past few years of living in Arizona and trying to live more intuitively, I've realized that some of those habits aren't healthy for me anymore. Here a few of the habits I've recently ditched:

1) "Clean" Eating: I used to avoid buying "processed foods" in an effort to simplify my life and stay healthy. But living at home with my family, I have regular access to convenience foods and treats. So when cereal, candy, ice cream, a granola bar,or pizza call to me, I have them. Often times this convenience food is healthier for me because I eat when I'm hungry, rather than slaving away in the kitchen to make something from scratch when I was already starving.

2) Vegetarianism: It worked for me for awhile, but it does't anymore. My family eats meat, so I had to start eating it, at least for dinner, when I moved home. When I started my new job and found my stress levels higher and my energy levels lower, I added some additional animal protein into the breakfast and lunch meals that I prepared. It hasn't seemed to hurt me and I've maybe gained a little bit of muscle.

3) Avoiding bottled water: I freaked out about BPA in plastic bottles when I was in college. After that, I tried to avoid bottles of water because of the environmental impact. But in Arizona when you're thirsty, you've got to drink! I try to refill my BPA free CamelBak water bottle when I can, but when I can't, I can't. The dangers of dehydration far outweigh the negative consequences of disposable water bottles, at least in my opinion.

4) Exercising when I'm dog tired: Some exercise is good, but too much is too much. I've been sick quite a bit this year and am learning to take days off or engage in lighter exercise. And some days there just isn't time to exercise. My 5K pace might be slowing, but exercise is a privilege and at least I'm still able to do it sometimes.

5) Eating low fat: I've had high cholesterol in the past and I avoided eggs, cheese, and full fat dairy. But lately I've been craving more protein and even butter (which I previously disliked). So I've been eating whatever calls to me. We'll see how my blood work turns out this year, but for right now, I'm trying to eat what make me feel good.

6) Skipping the salt: Too much salt can be bad for you, but I started craving salt more when I began cooking from scratch. Maybe it was because I ate less processed food. Maybe I just liked the salt. I don't know. Now I live in Arizona and need the electrolytes, so I salt my food liberally. I try not to overdo it, but sometimes it happens. Salt is one of my lesser worries.

7) Avoiding hand sanitizer: I truly believe in the power of soap and water and washing hands. I know that killing 99.9% of bacteria can bread an 0.1% bacteria monster, BUT I work with kids and they have SO many germs. Hand sanitizer and bleach wipes are my new friends, and I have still been getting sick. I wash my hands when I can and use more natural cleaning products at home, but at work, instant sanitizers are my friends!

Has anyone else ditched some "healthy" habits in the past year? Please share in the comments section.

This post was inspired by Catherine's blog post and I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post. 

Staying In My Lane

"Stay in your lane." 

That was the advice my friend and internship adviser gave me time and time again when I worked with her. And she tells me that even now whenever I talk to her. That advice has come back to me a lot lately.

Most days, I want to be somewhere other than I am. I want to be fully licensed and good at my job. I want to own my own house and be settled and have my future all laid out. I'd like to get married. I'd like to be perfectly healthy and a model of intuitive living. I'd like to have more time to invest in church and things that matter. But right now I'm not in any of those places. I am where I am.

Staying in your own lane is important while driving. It prevents accidents and injuries and head on collisions. It makes sure you get where you're going.

I'd like to be better at my job, but right now I am young and inexperienced. I can't help that. I need this time to gain experience and knowledge.  Staying in my lane looks like staying the course, attending training, and being open and responsive to criticism and feedback.

I wanted to buy a house so badly, and I was extremely disappointed that it didn't work out. But now I see that living at home with my parents is good for me right now. Staying in my lane right now means living at home, paying minimal rent, saving what money I can, and really investing in family relationships.

I'd like to get married, but forcing that issue isn't going to get me into the kind of godly relationship that I want. Maybe God is preparing someone for me and me for someone, and I need to give it time. Maybe God is removing barriers to a good relationship from that guy's life and mine. Or maybe marriage is not a mile marker on this road of my life. Maybe the lane of life I am in is leading me to a destination other than that of having a husband and a family. I don't know. Staying in my lane right now looks like waiting, watching, and growing my relationship with the bridegroom of the church, Jesus Christ.

I am irritated about some of my health issues. I sometimes think I should start some intense workout protocol or diet to "fix" my problems. But then I think that I like my life and don't want to focus all my efforts on improving just my physical health. Instead, I need to stay in my lane and keep taking reasonable and moderate steps towards becoming holistically healthier, mind, body, soul, and spirit.

I get excited when I hear about good things going on at church. I want to jump on board and start helping, but I don't have the time or energy to commit to doing so. Staying in my lane looks like keeping up with my commitment to singing on worship team and being supportive of the other things happening. Maybe I will have the opportunity to get involved in the future.

Speeding gets you tickets. Comparison distracts. Passing can be dangerous. So I'm staying in my lane, driving at a reasonable pace and seeing where God takes me. He's the one who's got the road map for my life anyway.

Feeling the Feels

"No pain, no gain." I think that's the way of authentic living. But man, does it hurt.

I'd venture to say that these fast few years have been some of the hardest and most painful I've had. Why? It's not necessarily because the worst things in the world have happened to me, but because I've actually felt the grief associated with church changes, the fear associated with family struggles, and the terrible sadness associated with world tragedies. I now work in a career where I have to feel the feels all the time in order to be present, and it's an exhausting and hard task.

In the past, I used to think that strength was forcing down the feelings and keeping on. Now I think it's feeling the feels, being honest about them, and choosing to go on. And although I don't like it, I think I'd make the argument that feeling the hard stuff, voicing it, and figuring out how to acknowledge it and integrate it into my life experience is actually what makes me stronger. But it's still no fun.

Nikita Gill wrote, "Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. And let it go.” When wounds bleed, the blood washes away toxins and brings fresh oxygen to help the wound heal. I think it's the same when I feel the pain of suffering. I can actually learn from it and let it go. This new ways of living feels dangerous, but no good things or important lessons seem to come easy....

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.

I'll Let My Body Decide.

This is the thought I had as I laid down for a nap a week ago. I had debated this event all day in my head and couldn't decide whether or not to go. So I went to bed and decided to see if my body woke me up in time. It did, but my decision to not attend the event anyway is besides the point of this post.

The point of this post is my realization that I fail to listen to my body too much of the time. I write a lot about intuition, but it is something that still needs a lot of work in my life. There are definitely some times that I just have to push through, but sometimes I just can't, and I need to learn to be okay with that. And sometimes I need to tune out the noise around me and tune into my body. 

For example, instead of listening to the media noises that I should choose "healthy" desserts, maybe I should "give in" to my body's craving for Dairy Queen and go get a blizzard. Maybe I should ignore the societal "expectation" that I should wear jeans every day and wear the more comfortable yoga pants I own. Or maybe I should resist the pressure to overeat sugar at the holiday party and go home and have a healthy dinner because that is what will make me feel healthiest. Maybe I should press pause on the project I "should" have gotten done today and just go to bed because my body and brain are tired. There are times and places for limits and accountability and boundaries, but God made my body smart. I need to listen to it more.

What about you? Are there areas where you need to tune out, and tune in? Please share below.

Toward More Authentic Living

I read a lot: blogs, books, signs, cereal boxes, you name it. It's a hobby, I guess? Lately, the topic of intuitive living has crossed my path more times than once. (See "How Eating Intuitively Helped Me Live More Intuitively" by Alexis Joseph, "How Intuitive Eating Changed My Life" by Kara Lydon, and "Movement vs. Exercise" by Robyn Nohling.) Then I read this in Present Over Perfect: 

The fact that numbing becomes a lifestyle hit me. I realized that numbing is the way I've been living my life, not intentionally, maybe not even purposefully. Numbing is a coping tool, a way of surviving, a way of getting through. But it's not a way of thriving.

Some of you might remember my birthday goals post from May and how I wanted to improve my life by eating satisfying foods, sleeping better, and moving in ways that feel good. The purpose of those goals was to learn to love myself and my life better. I'm realizing now that those goals were signs of me wanting to know myself, to really live out and engage in life. Somehow, I've just been going through the motions.

I've had moments of joy and excitement and fun this past year, but it's also been a hard year, one of not knowing myself or where I fit, one of struggle, one of new (and to be honest, scary) opportunities. I've spent a lot of time trying to live up to the expectations of others and of myself.

I've been living completely by myself these past two weeks, staying in a hotel for work training. The first few days of that experience were rough, but then I started asking myself, "What do I need to get through this day?" and I tried to give that thing to myself without judgment. Doing so often meant sacrificing money, or time, or my own ideals about life. But you know what? I did better. I was more present. I felt more like myself. I felt a lot, to be honest: emotions, pain, bodily sensations, etc. But I realized that I wanted to live more of life this way, to embrace the joys and the struggles of life, to be me, and not the ideal self that others or my own self wants me to be.

Have I got this authentic living thing figured out? By all means, no! I'm just on the cusp of the journey. But I want to work this thing out. I want to be myself and let opinions and judgments and obsessions and compulsions go. And I want that for other people, too, to get rid of labels, to live truly and with integrity, to relate to others in real ways. Living authentically is going to be painful, but I'm choosing to embrace that in hopes of more fully embracing the joys in life that are to come.